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It’s Time for Rich Flat Earthers Like Shaq to Prove the Earth Isn’t a Globe

Flat Earthers. This is somehow a thing. Today. It’s a fucking thing. There are people who fucking think the goddamned fucking Earth is fucking flat. In 2017.

And while this exemplary expression of Idiocracy no doubt wallows broadly in the intellectual wasteland of climate change denial, creationism, and other anti-science, anti-elite ignorance, it has some relatively high profile adherents. Specifically, Cleveland Cavaliers guard Kyrie Irving and retired NBA legend Shaquille O’Neal. Adherents can also claim Tila Tequila and B.o.B.

Flat Earth

Mr. Irving infamously said a few years ago, “This is not even a conspiracy theory…The Earth is flat. The Earth is flat.”

More recently, Shaq said, “So, listen. I drive from coast to coast and this shit is flat to me. I’m just saying.”

He added, “I drive from Florida to California all the time, and it’s flat to me. I do not go up and down at a 360-degree angle, and all that stuff about gravity. Have you looked outside Atlanta lately and seen all these buildings? You mean to tell me that China is under us? China is under us? It’s not. The world is flat.”

Where the fuck is China, Flat Earthers?
The earth, a composite from satellite images in 2012. Where the fuck is China, Shaq?





But, fine. I get it. Horizons confound you, moon phases are obtuse, the sun rising in the east and setting in the west doesn’t seem relevant, and the same goes for the stars at night. Foucault Pendulums don’t prove a thing, those pictures of a big blue marble taken from “space” are all faked, shadows are scary, and that nonsense with drains circling counter clockwise in the southern “hemisphere” is just witchcraft.

Let’s just take all that “science” stuff off the table for now. How about you rich Flat Earthers—and I’m talking to you, Messrs. O’Neal and Irving—rent a jet, fly to the edge of the Earth, and tell us what you find. Take some fucking photographs while you’re there. Show us what “they” have been lying about for centuries. Prove to us—and to yourself—that the truthiness of a Flat Earth is the real fucking deal.

13 Responses

  1. I had to get a hold of my laughter after reading this. It’s outrageous that people think the Earth is flat, but your commentary on it was hilarious.

  2. You need to do this on Pop.0 I can’t wait to revel in the glorious rant. The core subject is of belief. To these people belief is it. All logic is circular and leads back to their belief. Amazing really but I have seen it over and over. Same thing in a lot of people who talk religion to me and get shocked by my questions of “How do you KNOW you that your way is the only way”

    Thank you Bryan

  3. Surely they are/were kidding. Surely they were just doing it for the shock value. Attention? Off their meds? Attempting a cult following à la Marshall Applewhite or Jim Jones? I mean, it’s sort of working on me. What if they are right? What. If.? 😉

  4. I think the full answer to Bryan’s proposition is… you will never be allowed to know.
    Try to fly a plane over the “South Pole” and you’ll find where hard reality meets national security. All is not necessarily as it seems. When you ask Navy Seal trainer Dr Richard Alan Miller, “Is the earth flat or a sphere?”, his answer is, “Depends”. As an engineer, I can tell you, some “Flat Earth” stuff is definitely worth looking into, whether the earth is actually flat or… something else. Reality may yet turn out to be stranger than fiction. But then, maybe a sphere is all your mind is capable of holding. Admiral Byrd couldn’t handle it. 😉

    1. The science is clear. The evidence is clear. The math is clear. The physical views we have of the planet spinning beneath our satellites and astronauts are clear. The only thing worth looking into when it comes to flat earth conspiracy theories and theorists is why people fall under the influence of delusional thinking divorced from reality. There is nothing credible in the flat-earth worldview.

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